Is It Better to Jump In or Take Small Steps?

When we're afraid of something, the advice is usually pretty straightforward: Just do it.

Get on the plane. Make the phone call. Drive on the highway. Go to the event. Speak up in the meeting. The idea makes sense. If avoiding something makes fear stronger, then facing it should make fear smaller.

But that leaves out an important question: How much do you have to face at once? Do you throw yourself into the thing that scares you? Or work your way toward it?

Both can be ways of approaching fear. And rather than asking which one is better, it can be more useful to think about what each approach allows you to learn.

Why Avoiding It Feels So Good

If something makes you anxious, avoiding it usually works. At least temporarily. You cancel the plans and immediately feel relieved. You let someone else make the phone call. You take the longer route instead of driving on the highway. The anxiety goes down.

Your brain gets a pretty convincing message: I felt afraid. I got away from it. I felt better.

So the next time the situation comes up, avoiding it feels like the safest choice again. The problem is that you never really get an answer to the question anxiety was asking:

What would have happened if I stayed?

Strategy #1: Start Smaller

You don't necessarily have to begin with the hardest version of your fear. If you're anxious about driving, your first step doesn't have to be merging onto a busy highway during rush hour. Maybe you drive one exit.

If social situations make you anxious, you don't have to start by walking into a crowded event where you don't know anyone. Maybe you meet one person for coffee.

If you're afraid of flying, you don't necessarily have to begin with a six-hour flight. Maybe you start with something shorter.

Smaller experiences give you opportunities to learn: I can feel uncomfortable and still do this.

Then you build from there. But anxiety has an interesting habit of moving the goalpost. You take a short flight and it goes well. Okay, but what if the next flight is worse? You drive one exit on the highway. But what if I have to drive five? You speak in front of four people. But what happens when there are twenty?

Each experience gives you information. There can just always be another what if waiting at the next step.

Strategy #2: Take a Bigger Step

Sometimes you might choose to take on more of the fear at once. Not because bigger is better. Not because you need to prove anything. But because a larger experience can answer different questions.

Instead of wondering: What happens if I have to stay on the highway for an hour? you find out. Instead of imagining: What if I feel trapped on a three-hour flight? you experience what actually happens when you're there.

That doesn't mean everything will go perfectly. Maybe you're very anxious. Maybe part of the experience is genuinely difficult. Maybe afterward you decide you want to approach it differently next time. But now you have something anxiety didn't have before: actual information.

Some of what you were imagining is no longer hypothetical. And yes, anxiety might still respond: Okay, but maybe you just got lucky that time. There can always be another what if.

The goal isn't to answer every hypothetical question anxiety can create. It's learning that you don't need an answer to every hypothetical question before you act.

If You're Taking a Bigger Step, Prepare to Stay With It

Taking on a bigger challenge doesn't mean throwing yourself into something with no plan. Beforehand, identify a few things that can help you stay present if your anxiety increases.

Maybe that's slowing your breathing, grounding yourself through your senses, relaxing areas where you tend to hold tension, using a helpful reminder, or knowing who you can talk to afterward.

But there's an important distinction: The tools aren't there to guarantee that the anxiety goes away. They're there to help you remain engaged with the experience while the anxiety is present.

You're not trying to teach yourself: I'm okay as long as I have this tool. You're practicing: I can experience anxiety and still stay.

The Most Important Part Happens After

Whether you take a small step or a big one, don't immediately move on from the experience. Look at what you learned.

PREDICT → EXPERIENCE → REFLECT

Before: What do I think is going to happen? Then have the experience. After: What actually happened?

Maybe the thing you feared never happened. Maybe something uncomfortable did happen. Maybe your anxiety was stronger than you expected. Maybe you handled something better than you thought you would. The goal isn't always to discover: See? Nothing bad happened.

Sometimes the more useful realization is: Something uncomfortable happened—and I dealt with it. That's information too.

So Which Strategy Should You Try?

You don't have to commit to one way of facing every fear. Sometimes starting smaller makes the challenge feel possible enough that you're willing to begin.

Start there. Build experience. See what you learn. And if you notice yourself getting stuck in an endless series of: Okay, but what about the next step? you might decide that you're ready to take on more of the experience at once.

Not to get it over with. Not to prove that you're fearless. But to give yourself an opportunity to learn something you can't learn while you're still imagining what might happen.

Small steps can teach you. Big steps can teach you. Even difficult experiences can teach you. The goal isn't to prove that you're no longer afraid.

It's to stop basing every decision on what fear predicts and start learning from what actually happens.