The Small Moments That Make or Break a Relationship: Turning Toward vs. Turning Away
When people think about what builds a strong relationship, they often picture the big milestones.
The first "I love you." Meeting each other's families. Moving in together. Getting engaged. Celebrating anniversaries.
While those moments certainly matter, they're not what make up the majority of a relationship. Instead, relationships are built in the countless small moments that happen every single day.
A quick question. A joke. A story about work. A request for help. A random TikTok you want your partner to watch.
These moments may seem insignificant on their own, but over time they begin to stack up. According to The Gottman Method, how we respond to these everyday moments can have a significant impact on how connected, or disconnected, we feel in our relationships.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe these small moments as bids for connection.
A bid is any attempt to gain your partner's attention, affection, support, or interest. Some bids are obvious.
"I had a really hard day today." "Can I get your opinion on something?" "Will you come sit with me?"
Others are much more subtle.
"Look at this TikTok." "Did you hear that?" "Come look at the sunset."
Even simply sharing a funny meme or telling your partner about something that happened at the grocery store can be a bid for connection. In those moments, your partner has a choice in how they respond.
Turning Toward
Turning toward means responding to your partner's bid in a way that communicates:
"I see you, and you're important to me."
Imagine you're sitting on the couch and say,
"Come look at this TikTok."
Your partner pauses what they're doing, walks over, watches it with you, laughs, and says,
"Okay...that was actually pretty funny."
It only took thirty seconds. But in those thirty seconds, your partner chose connection. Turning toward doesn't require grand gestures.
It often looks like:
Looking up from your phone when your partner starts talking.
Asking follow-up questions about their day.
Laughing at their jokes. (Well maybe not all of them).
Giving them a hug after work.
Sitting with them while they vent.
Walking into the other room when they ask you to come see something.
Saying, "Tell me more."
These moments tell your partner: "I'm here with you."
Turning Away
Turning away happens when we ignore, dismiss, or fail to respond to a bid for connection.
Using the same example:
"Come look at this TikTok."
Your partner doesn't respond. Or maybe they continue scrolling on their own phone. Or they hear you but simply keep doing what they're doing.
Sometimes turning away isn't intentional. People get distracted. They're tired. They're focused on work. They're overwhelmed. One missed bid isn't usually what damages a relationship.
The problem is when it becomes the pattern.
Imagine asking your partner for their attention over and over again, only to feel ignored each time. Eventually, you may stop asking altogether. Not because you no longer want connection, but because you've started expecting disappointment.
Turning Against
There's a third possible response: turning against. Instead of ignoring the bid, the partner responds negatively.
For example:
"Come watch this TikTok."
"Why are you always on your phone?" "I'm busy." "Can you stop bothering me?"
Now the bid isn't simply rejected, it's met with criticism or irritation. Over time, responses like these can make someone question whether it's safe to reach out at all.
They may begin thinking:
"Maybe I'm asking for too much." "Maybe they don't care what I have to say." "Maybe I should just keep things to myself."
These thoughts slowly create emotional distance between partners.
It's Not Really About the TikTok
On the surface, this example sounds almost silly. It's just a TikTok. Does it really matter? Not by itself.
But what if it wasn't just one video? What if every time you wanted to share something, your partner ignored you? What if every story about your day was met with disinterest? What if every attempt to connect was interrupted, dismissed, or criticized?
Eventually, it stops being about the TikTok. It becomes about feeling unseen. Unimportant. Alone.
Now imagine something much bigger. You come home after an incredibly stressful day at work. You're overwhelmed and just want someone to listen. You start telling your partner about your day, and they respond with:
"Not right now." "I'm busy." "I don't really want to hear about work."
That hurts far more than missing a funny video. It sends the message that your experiences, emotions, and need for support aren't important. When those moments happen repeatedly, they slowly chip away at the foundation of the relationship.
Why These Small Moments Matter
Healthy relationships aren't built only during date nights or vacations. They're built in everyday interactions.
Every time partners consistently turn toward one another, they make another small deposit into the relationship. Those deposits create trust. They create emotional safety. They help partners feel valued and understood.
Over time, those moments become the foundation that helps couples navigate life's bigger challenges.
How to Turn Toward More Often
No one responds perfectly every time. You'll miss bids. Your partner will miss yours. That's normal.
The goal isn't perfection, it's becoming more intentional.
Here are a few simple ways to turn toward your partner more often:
Pause for a moment when your partner starts talking.
Put your phone down when they're sharing something important.
Ask follow-up questions instead of giving one-word responses.
Show interest in things that matter to them, even if they aren't your favorite topic.
Notice when they're trying to connect with you, even in small ways.
If you're genuinely busy, let them know when you'll be available instead of leaving them hanging. For example: "I want to hear about this. Can you give me ten minutes to finish what I'm doing?"
These small responses often have a much bigger impact than people realize.
Final Thoughts
Strong relationships aren't built only through life's biggest moments. They're built through ordinary Tuesday afternoons.
They're built through inside jokes, shared stories, random videos, hugs after work, and asking, "How was your day?"
Every small moment is an opportunity to strengthen your connection. You don't have to respond perfectly every time. But the more often you choose to turn toward your partner instead of away, the more likely they are to feel seen, heard, valued, and emotionally safe.
And in the end, those little moments often become the big ones.
