Why We Can't Always Help Everyone
As a therapist, one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that we can’t force change on someone who isn’t ready. This doesn’t mean we stop caring or stop offering support. It simply means we must meet people where they are. And sometimes, meeting them there is enough.
The Challenge of Feeling Helpful
Much of my work centers on being helpful. I want to see progress. I want to offer concrete tools and guidance that make a difference. When clients seem stuck or unwilling to engage with change, it’s easy to take it personally. I’ve found myself diving into research, trainings, consultations, or books and trying to make sure I’m doing everything I can.
It’s natural to want to “fix” what I see as a problem. But I’ve had to remind myself: my role is to offer guidance, not guarantee change.
Understanding Autonomy
Clients often come to therapy to talk about what’s happening in their lives. They may not yet have the time, energy, or readiness to address the root causes of their stress or unhappiness. And that’s okay. Part of therapy is holding space for people to reflect, explore, and slowly build insight, even if it doesn’t look like immediate change.
Sometimes, frustration is part of the process. It can spark reflection: “I’m frustrated with this situation. I only see my therapist once a week. What steps can I take on my own?” That moment is meaningful. It’s a small step toward autonomy.
Setting Boundaries As a Helper
As caring humans, we can offer tools, advice, feedback, and support. But we cannot control whether someone takes them. We cannot guarantee outcomes. And that is not a failure on our part. Offering help is just that, an offer, not an obligation.
Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is allow people to make their own decisions, take ownership of their choices, and experience the consequences. That is not your fault. It is not your job to save them.
Lessons Beyond Therapy
This lesson extends beyond the therapist’s office. In our relationships, we often take on too much responsibility for others’ growth or happiness. Reflecting on our own part is healthy. Taking on more than our fair share, however, can be harmful. Knowing when to offer help and when to let someone meet their own challenges is essential for healthy boundaries.
Takeaways
Change can’t be forced. You can provide guidance, but you can’t guarantee someone will use it.
Frustration is natural, both for you and the person receiving support.
Holding space and setting boundaries are acts of care, not neglect.
Allowing autonomy can be one of the most meaningful ways to help.
Taking responsibility for others’ choices is unnecessary and often counterproductive.
Helping isn’t about controlling outcomes. It’s about being present, offering support, and respecting the other person’s pace. And sometimes, the greatest gift we can give is the space for someone to help themselves.
