Saying No: The Boundary We’re Afraid to Practice
Saying no is often framed as selfish, rude, or unnecessary. However, in reality, it’s one of the clearest ways we set boundaries. Saying no can build confidence because it signals that we listened to ourselves and honored our feelings. Still, many of us hesitate. We worry it will create tension, disappointment, or hurt. In the worst-case scenario, we fear it might cause someone to leave entirely.
For many people, the biggest deterrent isn’t the word no itself. It’s the fear of being alone. The fear of abandonment. The fear of being seen as difficult, mean, or selfish. That fear is powerful enough to keep us saying yes even when we don’t want to, don’t enjoy it, and quietly dread the entire experience.
The fear of abandonment isn’t dramatic or irrational, it's deeply human. For many people, saying yes has been a way to preserve closeness, safety, or belonging when those things once felt uncertain. When that fear is driving the decision, saying yes can feel safer in the moment, even if it slowly disconnects us from ourselves. But when connection is maintained primarily through saying yes, closeness can become conditional. The relationship revolves around accommodation rather than balance, leaving little room for both people’s needs, preferences, or boundaries.
Over time, not saying no turns into performing. We start trying to be who others want us to be. We become people-pleasers. And while people-pleasing itself isn’t a flaw because it’s often rooted in empathy and a genuine desire to care for others, those qualities become dangerous when they consistently come at the cost of your own needs or sense of self.
However, not every yes is a betrayal of self. Sometimes we say yes because it aligns with our values, supports a meaningful relationship, or reflects a choice we’re willing to make even if it comes with discomfort. The issue isn’t saying yes; it’s saying yes when fear, guilt, or self-abandonment is the driving force.
When yes becomes the default, it slowly chips away at our sense of identity. It reinforces the idea that our interests, boundaries, and preferences matter less than keeping others comfortable. We begin prioritizing other people over ourselves and unintentionally confirm a narrative that our wants and needs are less important. Healthy relationships do require flexibility and compromise at times, but they shouldn’t require the consistent sacrifice of your identity, energy, or emotional safety.
The truth is, we weren’t put on this planet to be liked by everyone, to avoid all discomfort, or to live as a “yes” person 24/7. Saying no is not a failure, it's a form of self-respect.
Practicing the No
If you want to practice saying no, start small. Choose a low-stakes situation, something that logistically, emotionally, and realistically doesn’t work for you. Maybe it’s an invitation you were half-expected to decline anyway. Build confidence in those moments so that when higher-stakes situations arise, you’re more prepared to respond with clarity instead of panic.
Part of this practice also involves letting go of the urge to manage other people’s reactions. Often, we decide in advance how someone will feel if we say no and we usually imagine the worst. Sometimes that fear is grounded in reality. Some people do respond poorly to boundaries, especially if they’re not used to hearing no. And even when that happens, it doesn’t mean your boundary was wrong; it simply reveals the limits of what that relationship can hold.
It’s also worth remembering that disappointment isn’t the same as rejection. A friend feeling sad or frustrated when plans fall through doesn’t mean the relationship is in danger, it often means that they care. That discomfort can coexist with connection. Guilt may show up, but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.
Saying no isn’t about pushing people away, it’s about choosing not to abandon yourself.
